But I still have 94 monkeys to go

I’m at the airport as I write this (don’t cry for me, Argentina, it’ll be worth getting up this early). In the past year they added the Auntie Anne’s (giant buttery soft pretzel chain often found in malls, for those unfamiliar) to this terminal. It doesn’t look open but there’s a big ad on one side with the words:

Welcome To Forces Beyond Your Control

I can’t claim I’ve never eaten there before, but what a flattering assumption to make about your target audience. Eat up guys, because we have power over you and we know it! It’s funny how weak you are!

I’ll be damned if I let a pretzel tell me what to do. Yeesh.

It’s a wonder that this cousin app to MyFitnessPal didn’t catch on with tools like these:

• Food diary suggests new, complicated diet plan every week that “you could seriously lose 10 pounds on.”
• Exercise tab hosts scroll of “motivational” messages like “You can push harder than that!” and “Yeah, ‘rigorous’ for my grandma.”
• Nuclear “I ATE ALL THE THINGS” button on homepage leads to “Just kidding! We won’t let you give up that easily!” error message. 
• Every News Feed item triggers the automatic response, “Wait, seriously?”
• Snacks section of food diary appears and disappears at will.
• Calories burned in exercise is calculated for you now and for your high-school-sport toned body from 10 years ago. Just to compare! Just for measurement’s sake! 
• App pushes notifications to track food to your phone every 15 minutes, but only when you’re out to eat or at happy hour.
• “Dress/ Pant Size” report displays astonishing ongoing lack of progress in clever new format.
• Alcohol consumption entered into food diary is secretly doubled. Hey, where did all my calories go?
• Ads hawk nothing but designer dresses, model talent agencies, cutout bathing suits and Cake-Of-The-Month Clubs.
• As you mouse over the “Complete Entry” button, app suggests local Mexican restaurants that deliver.

runlikeella:

(Namely, I will be the hater, breaking up six miles into as many intervals as I need to just do the damn thing. I’m going to attempt to run Central Park, because it’s always so pretty the day after it snows, but if I have to, I will be at the gym for as long as I need to be, keeping myself occupied because boo, dreadmills. Also, I just wanted the excuse to use this .gif, can you tell?)

It’s good to buy plane tickets when you feel extra lonely in your normal life, because then you’re like, “Fuck it! Let’s get out of here!”

A few weeks ago I heard a woman at work complaining about how much weight she’d gained over the holidays. To make herself feel better, she said in a bright mocking voice, “It’s okay!! I’ll just be proud of being a big girl! I’ll own these size 10s!” as if that was the worst thing that could ever befall a person.

Today I heard her bragging that she only eats 1 meal a day (lunch) and never works out. So, glad that’s working out for you! I will just keep eating like a normal person, working out and not saying ignorant shit.